#reverb14: a-ha

Ah ha moment | Did you have an “ah ha” moment this year? Was it a big one? Or just a small enlightenment? I don't know if this is exactly a moment of epiphany or if it just happens as one gets older, but I started to realize that as anxious as I can sometimes get, all the ways I try to form contingency plans, I can't imagine all the possibilities for my life nor can I control them. I've been aware of this for some time, but what become clear to me this year, is how freeing that knowledge can be, how much I can let go of.

This year, I have made significant and conscious efforts to avoid toxicity and negativity. This year has been so noticeably different than last year, and M and I have both been happier, lighter, sillier, more fun people. It's like those moments you exhale and didn't, until then, even realize you'd been holding your breath.

I've become more conscious of what is required for me to be the best version of myself in the world. And that it's okay to need certain things, to ask for what you need, and to follow through on creating space for yourself to fulfill those needs. It's perfectly legitimate to need time alone, to need time with others, or to sleep late when you can. I have the luxury some days of sleeping late or spending time in bed reading or watching Netflix. I love it. I need days like that to recharge. M is not like that; it's hard for her to relax, to not be constantly on the move, and while there are periods of my life where I feel those same needs, I can be perfectly happy doing nothing all day where she cannot.I understand that we need different things, that we run on different modes.  I like to tease her about it, but I get it and we work hard together to balance our "go, go, go" with days or at the least, moments of down time. When you figure out what works for you, you have to be honest with others, and with yourself.

Look, I am not a morning person. I don't jump out of bed ready to face the day. I like to lounge in bed, and face the day slowly. I need at least 8 oz. of coffee before I can talk in complete sentences. I often teach morning classes, in January that will be an 8:30 class. It will be a challenge for me to fit what I need, the leisurely morning, into that schedule. But if I wake up earlier, it's possible. I will have to gauge those morning needs with my desire to sleep in any given week and see what wins out. But whatever happens, I won't skip coffee. And I'm not going to feel bad about that.