snow

getting what you need is simple

I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights with anxious dreams and just not feeling rested. I told myself before going to bed last night that I really needed to sleep through the night. I said this aloud in the mirror. I took some deep breaths as I got into bed; I turned on my heated mattress pad, set my sound machine to the sounds of waves crashing and cuddled up for the night.

I could hardly believe it when I woke up at 6 this morning. One night without restless fits, or waking up every few hours, an entire night of sleep. I keep thinking about the importance of saying aloud what I need. M really hates when I need help and I don't voice it, when instead I grumble or whine or make a big fuss when I could have said, "Do you have a second to help me?" She also is annoyed when someone begins to say something and then says "Never Mind." The power of asking is surprising to me. A few days ago it snowed a few inches before we were to leave for the weekend. M was at work and I was not looking forward to shoveling snow once again, alone. I began the task by shoveling two trenches and then I needed a break so I decided to come back and shovel the middle later. When it was time to shovel again I was thinking, "I really wish someone were here to help me or one of the neighborhood kids wanted to make some money and would ask to do it." 20 minutes later, the girl across the street was at my door asking if I'd like her to finish shoveling.

The power of asking for what you need and receiving it can be overwhelming.

This is at the heart of the questions with which I'm living right now. What do I need? What's preventing me from asking for it? What is it that I am afraid of?

I think that what usually stops me from stating what I need from people in my life, from the universe, from myself is a deep-seeded feeling that I'm somehow undeserving of success. I become convinced that the answer will be, "No," despite evidence to the contrary. I end up not trusting myself, leading to all kinds of trouble without being conscious of it.

I LOVE, LOVE the post Jen Lemen wrote on Lindsey's blog (which I highly recommend, anyway). It's all about the power of trust, "trust that it's going to be good." I have written before about self-doubt, about trust, about losing myself and about the power in asking for help. I also think there is power in going into situations assuming the best. "Trusting, that it's going to be good."

Are there things you need that you aren't asking for? What is stopping you from trusting it's going to be good? What are you afraid of?

letter to march

Dear March,

I've never been really sure how to feel about you. In my childhood memories you signal the beginning of something. You trumpet transformation but with icy blasts of wind and the cruelty is that there is no change at all. You are still full of winter and frost. While there have been moments of sunshine and warmth, you have remained distant and cold. I mean, come on, March; Easter snow, seriously?

I know you have a reputation, which must have given you a kind of complex over the whole lion and lamb comparison. And this year you also had to manage St. Patrick's Day, Spring Break(s) and Easter; I can only imagine the pressure. However, why must you torture those of us who long for the end of bare trees and sparse brown grass? You are supposed to bring some semblance of Spring and yet you continue to deny us. I have tried being patient with you, March. I held out as long as I could before writing you. I was holding out hope, trying to be patient, thinking that any day you might embrace your role as one who carries sunshine, dandelions, all sorts of blossoms and all things green. As one who precedes April I am sure you are aware of my love affair but as I have said before, it doesn't take much to gain my affection. You could put in a little effort, March. Perhaps I could at least learn to understand you. Also, if you could have a conversation with the other months in this year and encourage them to bring positive moments and other wonderful things because so far, you haven't been so great to some of my friends and I'd like to see the rest of 2008 be full of light and generosity, kindness and success for all of us.

With much appreciation,
Devon