I have been blogging for almost 7 years now and on a relatively consistent basis, I've used this method of representing the year in a snapshot or overview in addition to the deeper kind of reflections from reverb posts. I read and reflect on the posts I've written each month in the previous year and determine my favorite post or the one I feel best represents the goings on of that month. If you're interested in past reviews you can read the following years at these links: 2011, 2010, 2009, 2007, 2006, 2005.
January 2012: Yesterday, I lost my wallet, which also had my keys attached to it. We were with friends in the park and then downtown on a Photo Walk. About an hour or so later, near the end of the walk, I realized my pocket was empty. A frantic search ensued but no luck. I filed a police report, canceled my credit cards/requested new ones, my rewards cards, requested new Starbucks cards, changed the locks at my house and tomorrow will get a new driver's license.
Those of you who know me well are probably not terribly surprised that this happened. It was only a matter of time, right?
I have continuously said, "It could be worse" about the situation. But more than that, I'm grateful. Not that I lost my wallet and keys, but grateful for my amazing and wonderful friends who jumped into action to help.
February 2012: It is not a secret that I have struggled with being decisive. I think this is because I am afraid of doing the wrong thing, of ignoring my instinct, or not hearing it in the first place. But perhaps C.S. Lewis is right, perhaps there is no right instinct. Maybe life is made up of various paths, circuits and following one over the other is simply a decision that takes you down one path that will eventually get you to wherever it is you're meant to be. Do you believe in meant to be?
March 2012: I have a confession to make. I fret. We think of fretting as worrying but looking at the origin of the word shows its danger. According to Webster's, fret derives from Old English fretan, "to devour". If you have ever worried intensely about something, ever fretted or let something gnaw at you, then you know the accuracy of this definition.
April 2012: I believe(d) deeply, strongly in the in-between. The sharp intake of breath before you speak, words lingering on the tip of your tongue, the pause between one kiss and the next. It seems I have always lived between, between generations, a buffer, a translator, sometimes for my brother, other times my mother. My father remained a stoic and staid mystery to me; there was never a space for interpretation there. Throughout my life, I had an intense feeling that I was born in the wrong time. I imagined that I had somehow time traveled or been reborn in a time where I did not quite fit.
May 2012: I don't want to be obsessed about a number on a scale or the numbers of calories I'm eating but I need to think about food differently and I need to form new habits.
June 2012: I am sure that love wins. That the light outshines the darkness. That we find a way to grow in the harshest of conditions.
I am sure that encouragement, support, kindness continues to inspire me.
My body needs to move and stretch and be challenged just like my mind.
July 2012: I am now one of those people who get really cranky if I don't get to the gym. I am now one of those people who knows how many calories are in food items and repeat "you don't need that" to myself. I am now the person who measures everything with measuring cups, who thinks about serving size.
August 2012: I have a milestone to report to you. Every single book I own is outside of a box. Okay, there is a box full of books I'm selling, but it's small and transitory. This feat of books being on shelves is amazing and exciting to me because for about four years now, maybe more, I've lived with at least half of my books in boxes.
September 2012: I am seriously annoyed with the kitchen in my new apartment. It's very small and there just isn't enough room for the things I need to do.
There is no prep space, not enough counter space to even try to find a place to chop vegetables or fruit or mix things in a bowl. This is why I have been dropping food lately, and not at all because I am a clumsy mess these days.
October 2012: What I've come to learn is that kindness and compassion matter, too. And that kindness is really about doing something that you expect no credit or recognition for; it's about considering others not just yourself.
November 2012: And I realize how often I have to trust both my instincts but also forces, and people outside of myself, which makes me feel like I'm fumbling in the dark again unsure if I can really navigate this space I am in.
December 2012: I think hope and a kind of faith that things would be okay is what propelled me forward this year. Mostly it was the feeling that with M's trust and support in me that we would be okay, whatever happened we would tackle it with combined efforts and lots of love for one another.