reverb11: fresh slate and choices
Prompt: Fresh slate. Today is a new year. What do you want to do with your fresh slate? (Meredith at Daily Angst)
Prompt: Choice: What can you choose in 2012 to make your life better? (Megan Collier)
I love a blank slate, a blank piece of paper waiting for me to write on it, a blinking cursor on a new Word doc. The newness of the page makes me hopeful and happy, excited about what is to come. And that's how I feel about 2012, but that's kinda how I feel about every new year.
Last year, I said this on Jan. 3:
My new beginnings for the year are centered around remaining openhearted, seeking connections and being open to the idea that things may, in fact, work out. It seems that preparing and believing in success is more difficult than expecting the worst.
So optimistic. I was hopeful, I think, until it was clear that things were going to change in a really big way. I was taken aback because the opportunities/outcomes that lay before me were not the ones I'd anticipated or even considered. They were something, I think, I was fearful of, whether I consciously realized it or not. And yet, I drove myself right towards it. I knew it was right for me to move on, to grow beyond my current position, to do more. Yet, I was humbled and sad at the same time, that I had not made it work. Like a relationship that goes bad, I wondered what I'd done "wrong," and for much of 2011, I moped and was self-righteous and angry. I wrote in that early January post that I would be open to the idea that things may work out and perhaps that is exactly what happened and my perception of how things SHOULD be were skewed. The thing is, I've never done things by the book or taken a short path to anything; why is it that I always forget this and act so surprised when suddenly, things seem wacky?
So with my fresh slate, I want to stop fighting myself. This doesn't mean I don't want to grow or change, in any way, quite the opposite, actually. I want to make choices because they feel right to me, to my life, to my goals and intentions.
When we're young, we dream about a future a lot. At least I did. I imagined all sorts of versions of my life. Then suddenly, I stopped. I don't know exactly when, but I know the little girl inside me still wanted to be heard. She still wanted a say in the dream. But, I began filling in the blanks, checking things of lists waiting for the feeling of accomplishment and happiness to wash over me. It never really did.
I chose "tend" as my word for 2012 and part of that is tending to my inner imaginative daydreamer who sought adventure and dreamt big and never cared what anyone thought of her. The girl with muchness and might who survived betrayal and violence and believes in magic and fairy lights and love. I should pay attention to her a lot more often than I do.
Tending is also about caring for my relationships, which is why I really love the Lisa Leonard necklace to represent my word of the year. It reminds what is it at stake and where my attention should be focused. This is my third Lisa Leonard necklace and it may be my favorite. What I like about this particular one is that I could add a different tag next year with my word or add to it in any number of ways. Lisa has created a special "Word of the Year" necklace, so if you're participating in One Little Word or something similar, you should definitely check out her jewelry.