reverb 12: paths, reasons, remembering
Since I'm pulling together prompts from multiple sources during reverb, I'm interested to see how the prompts intersect and pull responses from me.
Today Lee's question asks:
What is one thing you did this year you think you'll remember for the rest of your life? (Lee Currie)
And in considering it I was struck by the way it brought to mind both Esther and Meredith's prompts from yesterday:
Different things happen for different reasons. Some of them happen to make us stronger, and some happen to make us better people. Describe one thing that happened this year that challenged you to be a better, stronger person, against all odds. How did this affect you emotionally? (Esther Fox)
Some times the best path chooses you. -- Patrick Rhone
What path chose you this year? (Meredith Shadwell)
I hope I remember 2012 as a year that I took a chance and I hope it is one that has great rewards. It was a scary move, leaving M and our life together to pursue an opportunity to teach somewhere new, to join a new community. Change is scary and then it becomes a different routine, one that seems normal and not new, at all.
I know this well. I moved pretty much every 4 years for most of my life and I feel that it afforded me fantastic opportunities, shaping me into someone for whom staying in one place seemed unimaginable. Perhaps, I have always had a natural curiousity to see more, to move beyond boundaries of one place. It strikes me when I meet people who have only lived in one place; I want to study them and ask them tons of questions because I have no idea what it is like to have that kind of lifelong connection to people, to communities, to a geographic location. I have been a kind of nomad, drifting, moving, settling for periods at a time only to move again. I will admit that it is more difficult the older I get, but a part of me is fascinated by the possibilities in any new situation.
I knew on some level, I could handle the logistics of a new routine. What I was unsure of is if I could handle the emotional component of being away from my friends and the one I love. And I constantly questioned if the path was the right one. But in so many ways, it was the only thing I could have done. Not literally, of course, there are always different choices, but none of them seemed as feasible. When I found an apartment within a few days of officially accepting the job offer, I knew it was (somehow) the path that chose me.
It seems that all of these forces converged at the exact right time for me to be here, now. I will remember the path I took and the way that these students and university revived joy in teaching for me.
So, I want to remember that all of the worries and fears and questions I had gave way to possibilities I never imagined. I want to remember that I never know the reasons why one choice feels more right than others or why sometimes what seems like the only choice looks that way because otherwise I have too many doubts. I want to remember that deciding on a whim to see how long I could survive without soda led to a complete revolution of my habits. I want to remember that I am capable and smart and that I am enough as I am. I want to remember my instincts can be trusted and that nothing is impossible with the right amount of support and determination, hard work and a bit of luck.