on my mind lately

Shaking someone's hand recently, I had just enough static electricity to shock them. 

"I'm so sorry," I said as he pulled his hand back, quickly.

"Too much energy vibrating through you," he responded smiling. 

Later in the week, I flipped on the light in the dining room space and one of the light bulbs blew. It popped and fizzled and I watched the light slowly fade out of it. 

I had a dream last week where M's father (who has been dead for some time now) talked to me in his living room about how he'd missed the fireworks on the Fourth of July, how he missed fireworks, in general. I kept saying, "there's always New Year's." This is strange, for many reasons, but M and I never remember him being particularly fascinated by fireworks, not the way I am. So maybe my subconscious is trying to get me to see something else, to understand something differently.

I love fireworks for the way they light the dark. There is something in the anticipation between one firework and the next, awaiting the pops of color into the night, falling in all directions. My favorites are the ones that fade slowly, that look like rain. One of the best things about working at DisneyWorld was seeing the fireworks each night. They made me less sad, less homesick more full of wonder and amazement. It was a time in my life where I was full of adventure and yet sadness and heartbreak all at once. It was, looking back, a time of darkness, me constantly fumbling in the dark for the light switch. It was never that easy. 

Christmas lights also make me feel happy. I used to have a set of blue ones lining my ceiling so that I was never in absolute darkness; oh, but was I ever. 

But there were fireworks, flashes of light reminding me of something else, something better and brighter; night after night vibrant, exploding light in the dark.

This is also why I love thunderstorms with lightning. I love the streaks across the sky, the way the whole sky lights up like a strange movie effect. Each night I sleep to the soothing sounds of rain coming from my sound machine and there are times I am disappointed to realize it isn't really raining. 

I light candles, enjoying the tiny flickers and shadow shapes. But I do not like when I cannot see at all. I hate driving in heavy rain, the feeling of the loss of control, trusting some force that exists beyond me to keep me safe. 

And I realize how often I have to trust both my instincts but also forces, and people outside of myself, which makes me feel like I'm fumbling in the dark again unsure if I can really navigate this space I am in. 

I miss the fireworks. As loud and bright as they can be, somehow I feel both in awe of them and simultaneously completely safe. 

So what am I to learn about all of these things? What are these random thoughts and my dream supposed to be teaching me? 

I am not quite sure. I do know that it's related to trust and faith in myself and in the world. Or maybe it's about mourning and longing. Maybe all of it rolled up into tangled emotions and energy causing me to shock someone when shaking his hand. 

Maybe I should start using dryer sheets.