rough waters

October used to be my favorite month, but this October has been full of storms, rough waters, and challenges I don't quite know how to meet.

Tears fill my eyes today. Sadness and disappointment rest just under the surface of me and I find myself unable to see what can be done. 

I am not used to feeling helpless, but currently it feels like all the choices we're presented with have their own challenges and none seem to be working smoothly. 

A year ago, I was happy on a personal level and not very happy professionally. Today, I enjoy my professional life but it keeps me quite separated (at a geographic distance) from my personal one. When things happen like broken down cars and transportation issues and I'm not able to easily solve them, I feel deep disappointment and sadness. M and I living apart is not an ideal situation; it has its own set of challenges that we've been working through but when a significant problem presents itself, in this case the car she bought a few weeks ago may need extensive repairs and we have to decide if we can afford them or what alternatives exist, I feel like I'm fracturing. I cannot hold it together; I cannot help. I have limited knowledge, limited resources and limited time I can be here in town for her. 

I keep thinking how simple things felt a few years ago, while we were in grad school, studying and working and eating Raman and PBJ, splurging on steak and sharing a small termite-infested apartment. At the time, of course, we felt like we were moving toward something and that our struggle had purpose. 

Sometimes difficult moments just feel difficult. The storm batters us around and a year later, we say, "Do you remember the time I almost threw away a check we desperately needed in order to pay bills," and we laugh and think about how far we've come. But in the moment, it feels like everything is falling down around you, even if it isn't. And I know this particular situation could be worse and that there are people facing much, much, more challenging things. But from the inside, it feels intensely difficult. I am anxious and sad, not sleeping well at all. 

I keep trying to turn my thinking to all that I have that I am grateful for, which is definitely giving me some perspective. It's a constant challenge, in the midst of trouble to ask, "how can I be grateful for this moment." But I'm trying.

We made promises and sacrifices for one another and it breaks my heart that there is very little I can actually do to except be still, while things swirl around us and do my very best to weather them. Positive thoughts are much appreciated.