#reverb11: What scares you?

Prompt: What scares you? (Lindsey at Modchick)

Recently, Dian at Authentic Realities writes about Doing the Scary Thing and today I was searching for a Reverb prompt today that pushed me a bit out of my comfort zone. When I think about fear, I first think of the physical response I feel. My skin tingles, sometimes sweats and my heart beats very, very fast. I cannot catch my breath. These are easier to acknowledge than the emotional response of not being safe, which is for me, something that really, really scares me. 

My greatest fear used to be drowning. I was never afraid of water and swam regularly as a child and adolescent but the fear was always in the back of my mind and I thought that would be one of the worst ways to die, to struggle for air as water overtook you. Terrifying. 

This kind of fear is BIG TIME FEAR OF DYING kind of fear. 

But other things scare me, too. 

I'm scared of holding myself back, that I let my fear of failure or rejection dictate what I will try and how many opportunities I take advantage of. I'm scared of painting myself into a corner, of getting stuck. 

I'm scared of disappointing people who believe in me and of disappointing myself. I have high expectations, sometimes unrealistic ones and I don't always realize the ways I'm making it impossible for myself to be successful.

I'm scared of not being able to provide for M and I. (Aren't most people afraid, these days, of losing jobs or changing jobs, of not making enough money? Yeah, me too).

I'm scared that there are some relationships I won't be able to repair and that I will hang on to the guilt of that, taking responsibility in ways that are harmful for me.

I'm scared that I won't be really seen and loved for who I am.