shutting it out

In the last post I wrote about The Vampire Diaries, I mentioned, briefly, that the character of Damon is able to "turn off" his humanity. Other characters on the show like Isobel and perhaps even Katherine seem able to do this as well. Damon described it to another character, Alaric,

You can turn it off. It’s like a button you can press. I mean, Stefan is different, he wants the whole human experience. He wants to feel every episode of How I Met your Mother. So he shuts his feelings out. The problem is, as a vampire, your instinct is not to feel. Isobel chose the easier road. No guilt, no shame. No regret. I mean, c’mon. If you could turn it off, wouldn’t you?



It's an interesting consideration, isn't it?

I spent many years trying to shut out feelings, trying not to get too close and perhaps, in some ways, straining against all that was good about me. I lost some humanity of my own. It took some effort before I even wanted to be present in my life, before I wanted to shake off the numbness. The numbness was familiar and safe, controllable. It's easy to slip into it when I'm overwhelmed and lost. I don't notice the vibe I'm giving off or the sharpness in my voice. In not feeling, I'm as bitchy and cruel as Isobel and I don't even realize it.

On a daily basis, I think that I'm overly emotional. I worry and fret and turn it all over in my mind. I've written about this before. As I've said before, I hate how I feel when I'm anxious and the problem is, I don't always recognize that I'm beginning to feel so, well... consumed. I guess there's a little more of the numbness that lingers than I expected.

If you could, would you shut it out?