notes to self

I am inspired by Dian who was inspired by Mynde's "Note to Self," as well as a post I wrote almost 3 years ago.

Believe; Embrace the unknown This is about trusting myself, about going out on a limb, about leaping. I was very close to having my word for 2010 be believe because I felt I needed to remind myself to be me own cheering section. I talk in several posts  about my recent insecurities. I worry about the what ifs. It's one of the reasons I wanted to focus on "the moment" this year so that I can stop worrying about what's ahead. I second guess myself often. It strikes me, suddenly, that this has carried into my designs lately. I've been working on a project for over a year. I recently got more editorial suggestions, specifically regarding navigation. And as I write this, I see that part of my extraneous navigation choices were born out of concern of how readers would take themselves through the text. In doing so, the navigation becomes too complex with too many choices, instead of one direct way to navigate the site. It's interesting to see my doubt manifested this way because it shows me how embedded my insecurities are. Embracing the unknown means not trying to control things; it means giving in to whatever the universe has in store. It means enjoying myself.

Relax: this is connected to embracing the unknown and living in the moment. But it's also about not taking myself too seriously. One of the reasons M and I work is that she reminds me that not everything is about intellect.

Have Fun: See a connection with these things? I realized a few things when I was at my parents' house for Thanksgiving. We wanted to play Pictionary Man, which is like the old school pictionary except that you draw on a little plastic man or you can draw on the small whiteboard props or all three. Even though I'm horrible at drawing and when I say that, I"m not being self-deprecating or modestly humble. I mean I CANNOT draw. I took a Geology course as an undergrad and had to draw trilobites as part of a lab assignment. The professor, who was a difficult teacher at best, looked at my lab sheet and asked,

"Ms. Fitzgerald, what is that supposed to be?

"Uhh... a trilobite," I offered.

"Well it's not like any trilobite I've ever seen," and walked away.

My other problem with Pictionary is that I'm not very good at changing tactics in the middle of my turn. Once I make up my mind, I stick with it and can't quite figure out what else to draw. Despite all of that, it's incredibly fun to play if only to see everyone else guess what the heck I'm trying to draw. So, my mom, brother, his wife and I were going to play and we invited Dad to join us. He, of course, said no. So we just kind of took turns drawing and guessing. Every once in a while Dad would chime in a guess. He was having fun despite his refusal to really join in. And I realized how often I do the same thing. I disengage from people. I say no to social things because it takes so much energy and I am not always so generous with myself. M is better at it. In one of my "best of 2009" posts I talk about the need to open up more and to let people in. It's a work in progress.

Being worthy is, as I've, about accepting my faults, about not feeling guilty about the need for the reminders above. It's about cutting myself some slack.