who needs perfection?

Lines from poems I wrote in my early and mid-twenties are floating around my head this week. I don't know if it's the season or the conversations I've been having with students, but lately I feel incredibly connected to, like I'm communicating through time, with the 20 something version of myself. I'm nostalgic and busy. I'm trying to respect the boundaries I set for myself with office hours and not checking emails at certain times but I feel guilty, sometimes. I feel like I'm letting go of this "put-together" and "on top of things" vision I have of myself, which is, quite frankly, one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. Because really, I'm a girl who needs the stacks of papers and chaos. I try resisting it. I try to organize with folders, make information I need accessible. I'm okay at it. I find things when I need to, but really, I can't sustain the energy it takes to be an organized person. That's just not who I am.

My desk at school

If you'd asked me whether or not I had a perfection complex, a need for things to always be right, I would have said no. But when I think about all the times in my girlhood, I tried to be what people wanted me to be, tried to be "good" while feeling like I was anything, but, I realize that I have tried to hold myself to an unrealistic standard of what it means to be good, to be perfect.

I'm a bit late on the bandwagon, here, again, not perfect, right? But I love the challenge Brene Brown set on her blog, Ordinary Courage, which I've gushed about before, here. We come to things in our own time and I needed to find this today in order to be reminded: Who needs perfection when you've got friends, family, bloggers, students, kind strangers, colleagues... love?