night tide thoughts

I have been scoring AP exams for a week again this year so I've not been spending much time online and I haven't really felt myself this week either. I've been away from Illinois so long now. It's starting to get to me. But...I have had a wonderful time with my mom and I've had fun exploring PCB. I made some really awesome connections with people this week and I am so grateful for now considering them part of my circle of friends. I have also learned a few things about myself, as usual, and about how very different I would be had I grown up in small towns or had fewer choices and conservative parents.

It's odd to meet such a range of people with such wide and varying pedagogies, outlooks and perspectives on the world around them. And it's nice when you meet someone who gets you, who feels like an old friend after just a few conversations.

I am homesick for Illinois, for my life, for a routine, for my own bed. I am so lucky to have someone love me so much that they let me go away for a month and take a break, relax and find my footing again. I am overwhelmed at how happy I am to feel so deeply, to love so much. Before I met M, I would not have allowed myself to be so awash in emotions. But tonight as I walked along the beach in the humid, sticky air and heard the ocean waves crashing as I shared stories about myself with a new friend, I felt amazingly alive. I rolled up my pants (not quite far enough since the tide was coming in pretty far) and let the water, the shells, the seawood (who knows what else) drift over me. On the beach, at night, I could be anybody. I'm just a shadowy figure in the moonlight, after all. And while it might have been fun to dream up a character; it felt damn good just being me, getting my jeans wet in the surf.