16 things meme

Since many of my posts seem to be in response to or conversation with Sandy's I decided to go ahead and tag myself for the 16 things about me meme. This is quite a revealing list including some things I hadn't planned on sharing. So here goes:

inspire

1. I think inspiration can be found anywhere. In small and simple things like the way sunlight breaks through the trees or in obvious places like church architecture, photography exhibits, libraries.

2. I love candy not only chocolate but sugary, sweet, sour candy like Skittles, Sour Patch Kids and Gummie Bears.

3. I am a worrier. I worry, fixate and obsess about well...everything; both big and small things. There is no clear reason why some things bother me, garner my attention and other things don't. If there is, I can't figure it out.

4. I love having my hair washed. It's one of the reasons I like getting haircuts.

5. I'm concentrating on being more grateful for the wonderful things in my life and using my word of the year "enrich" to add to my experiences. I want to appreciate the little things, work on making moments not just living my life but loving it--honoring it.

6. I'm horrible at reading maps. I can get lost in places I've been a million times. Malls, hotels, large buildings turn into mazes. I have no sense of direction whatsoever.

7. I have a probably unhealthy fascination with horror movies, forensic shows and monster stories. It has been suggested to me that this is my way of processing and dealing with my own mortality and fears. I have written at length about my fascination with Death as a construct.

8, I am superstitious and romantic. I blame it on growing up in the South and hearing ghost stories, wives tales and folk stories. I believe in spirits, in the supernatural and in a higher power. I believe in small gestures, in kissing in the rain, blue icees, and eating ice cream before it melts on a hot day.

9. When I'm stressed, I design. Some people knit, I design websites, tweak blog designs, etc. I do it without being completely conscious of it. It's not a coincidence that the blog redesign you see coincides with the beginning of the semester.

blogdesign

10. I think I could live in a t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops. Of course, I'd have to live somewhere warmer than Central Illinois and I would want it to be about 67 degrees year round. I think that place exists only in my imagination.

11. A lot of people have said that I am intimidating, difficult to get to know, intense. I once wore those labels like a badge, convinced I was protecting myself from hurt and disappointment. And maybe I was, but I was also missing out on taking chances, on the pleasure of conversations with people who might become great friends. There's so much potential in the world. Hiding from that might have preserved me but at what cost? As I said in #5 I've been spending a lot of time trying to be more open. I don't think that doing so makes me any less intense, in fact I feel things more deeply now but what I feel is richer, more real, more authentic than not trying not to feel anything at all.

12. Music is part of everything I do. It has saved my life. Music heightens my experiences and I try to have a soundtrack to my days. As I work or walk to class, wait for the elevator or drive around town, music fuels me and helps to create and reflect moods. I continue to be jealous of the people who decide music for TV shows and movies. I'd probably be terrible at the job because I'd have trouble deciding on exactly which song or artist would be perfect. Still, I think it's a cool gig.

13. To say I have trouble making decisions is an understatement. I don't trust myself and therefore second guess a lot of the decisions I make. I take responsibility seriously and often take too much responsibility for things that do not go right. I don't know if I try to punish myself or if I feel comfortable being burdened. I don't like to pick the movie or the restaurant. I have trouble with insignificant decisions the most, usually because they aren't big enough to seek out input and so I end up stewing over them. This is something that annoys the people closest to me and I'm working on being more confident in my decisions. It's a daily struggle.

14. I like stuff, especially electronics. I like my ipod, my Blackberry, my laptop. I adore DVR, my surround sound, TV, coffee-maker, PS3 etc. I can't help it.

15. I am scared of being left out. Nothing feels worse to me than exclusion, whether it's being left out of a conversation, or group or decision. I need people around. I need to belong.

16. I used to believe that I would be a horrible mother. I never wanted children because I thought I would somehow transfer all of my insanity to them, that with me as a mother, a kid had no hope for being "normal." But as I get older, (blame it on a biological clock or maturity or therapy) I am beginning to revise those ideas. I'm beginning to imagine my life with a son or daughter included. It's an incredibly new and frightening view of possibilities but one that fills me with an emotion I haven't quite figured out yet. But I think it has to do with completeness and hope.

If you read my blog or stumble upon it, I'd love to know 16 things about you. If you're game, consider yourself tagged and let me know by including a link in the comments.