if i were a weatherman in central illinois

This would be my forecast: It sucks out there, people. Today is one of those days where you look outside into the sun and imagine that February is over and that it's suddenly March, maybe St. Patty's Day and you think 'It's great for a parade,' but in actuality it's a cruel joke February and the sun are playing on you and it's really so windy that the cold could slice things in half. Go ahead, you could try it. Place a carrot or cucumber into the wind and see what happens. Only that would mean standing in the wind and you might get sliced up too, so maybe you should just trust me.

Also, do not call your mother in Alabama because she will tell you it's a beautiful day with a slight breeze and the warm sun shining down. So nice, in fact, the deer have come out to graze along the Interstate. She will lament that she will have to brave Illinois next December for your graduation and ask why you had to choose somewhere with such cold winters to live. You bite your tongue and resist the urge to tell her how cold it is in Minnesota and Utah. You nod to yourself and remember why weather is not a good topic of conversation with your family who thinks you are weird because you own 12 scarves and 4 pairs of gloves and considered wearing them all today.