i got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same

I feel like I'm in slow motion this week. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to work on everything simultaneously (C&W abstract, job talk, dissertation stuff, teaching) or if the weather has me feeling like it's too cold to move. I'm very much struggling with organizing all of my notes into a cohesive talk for Millikin. They asked for a title today and I grew very nervous that my current title is boring and will send people running in the other direction. M agreed that it's a bit academic. But it's what I've got right now and I'm too exhausted to think of something else, anything else. As I asked M for advice and she admitted she didn't know how to help me and I admitted I didn't know what I wanted from her, I suddenly felt very alone.

I know I've said this before but no one warns you how lonely this process feels. I feel isolated because only other people going through this or who have been through it can offer any kind of guidance or identification. And those aren't always the people I want to talk to. It's difficult that the people I care about the most are so outside this whole thing. There's this distance, like a wall surrounding me that I feel whenever anyone asks about jobs or my dissertation. My brother asks, "So...What else is going on?" And I finally had to say, "Nothing. This is my life right now. This is almost all I think about."

It's such a self absorbed process. You talk about your research, your teaching, your goals, your vision. You try to listen to the school's goals and vision and see if it meshes with your own and you sell yourself. And it's exhausting and lonely and terrifying and thrilling.

When you talk to me about classes or your shoes or the color you're thinking of painting your kitchen I can't contribute to the conversation in ways you depend on. I don't think I'll be a particularly good friend until after August. And I am truly sorry about that; I'm doing the best I can.