thinking like a grown up

Let me preface this by saying that I'm beginning to feel that kind of deep, self-centered, narcissism that comes from getting a year older and leads to an overall drive to reflect on life thus far. The drive is deeper this year because I'm turning 30 and it feels oh so big not just the number but the decisions, the job; family: it feels like everything is changing in the next six months. And change and I, well... we have a love/hate relationship. I am uncomfortable with stasis. For me, balance is the moment when I think, "Okay, what's going on here? Something feels weird... yep, something is definitely wrong. I'm not feeling chaotic or tumultuous enough and things are definitely too quiet."

I know that might not make sense to you. But I know that it is how I operate. I often wish I were fulfilled and happy when things are calm. Then again, I often wish things were calm in the first place. I never let it get there, unsure of my purpose when the seesaw is even, afraid I'll never reach high or low again--that I'll just sit in one place. I get nervous when I begin to feel comfortable and settled. Moving around as a kid meant never feeling truly settled. I always knew I'd be leaving in three or four years. Yet, I never longed for permanence the way my brother did.

Thinking about the prospect of moving, of looking for a new home, whether it be apartment or house both terrifies and excites me. I've lived here five years and yeah, there are times I feel restless and I want to go somewhere, anywhere. But it's always nice to come back to my stuff, my cat, my girl, my friends. I've never considered living in the Midwest permanently until I hit the job market. And now.. who knows where I'll end up. And I have a lot of mixed feelings about the process and a lot to consider.

The responsibility of it all weighs on me and I hate thinking like a grown up. When I was younger I called responsibility "the r word." I cringed when my mother or father or teachers said it. And yet I take on so much because I always have, because I'm a control freak, because I'm used to it: not because I'm good at it.