wake me up when september ends

Seriously, I'm over this month. It is unfortunate but it's brought me more tragedy than I care to recount. I'm stuck with my dissertation and going back to reading to try and move some ideas around. I'm working on my writing sample on "Frankenstein" and the medicalization of the body because these things have to be ready. I'm getting terrified I can't get it done, that I'll cave like everyone around me seems so concerned about and I'll have to go work at a gas station.

October is my favorite month, though. So I'm looking forward to it, trying to be hopeful. But I'm tired. Michelle made this really nice video tribute to Adia using the Sarah McLachlan song from which we got her name. It's sweet and moving and tough to watch. The hardest part for me was seeing this one picture where M looks so happy, so naturally and stunningly happy. Sometimes I worry we won't be happy like that again.

I know that I will grieve for some time. I know that this loss triggers other losses I've experienced, that I'm grieving for a lot of things all at once. But I'm ready to be done with that. It's always going to be like this, my life. The things that have happened to me and will happen to me and for me, even positive things will bring up some other moment that I felt sorrow or joy or sheer anger. It's not about surviving. I'm tired of surviving. Survival is exhausting. Sometimes I want to forget. I want to move on to the next thing, just cut my losses and forge ahead. I don't like to sit with these uncomfortable emotions. I know that it is important to do so. I really do. I just wish it weren't like this. That's the most honest I can be about all of it. It's not that I have regrets about my life and how I've lived it. It's that sometimes I wish I hadn't had to survive things. Sometimes I wish that I lived in a bubble where nothing ever happened to me and I was naive and innocent and way to perky for my own good. But only sometimes.