on not fitting in

I'm back in Bay Minette after 3 days in Ft. Walton. I took some of your suggestions and read and tried very hard to find joy by hanging out with my cousins and their children. For the most part, it helped me gain perspective. It's funny, with the situation one of my cousins and her husband is in (because of it their living in my Me-Ma's upstairs) and the fact that Ryan, the recent college graduate moved back in with his parents, you'd think that I would be considered fairly successful. And you'd think that my being gay wouldn't really be a big deal, considering. But this is a very tight-lipped Southern family and family is supposed to stick together, which doesn't mean moving states and states away and only visiting once a year. It's my brother, with the house and the dog and the job and Joanna that is the golden boy. And I'm okay with that; he deserves every happiness and more. I know that my life doesn't fit into everyone else's plan for me. I came to terms with that. Or thought I had, but it keeps coming up over and over again. And I keep feeling like I just don't fit in.

So I read. I concentrate on my work. I miss my girlfriend. I try to enjoy my mother's company. I lament that I had to share my brother with my mom and grandmothers and couldn't just hang with him and Joanna. I remember all of the lucky things about my life. I love my life and I look forward to getting back to it. With Michelle and in school, are the only places I've ever felt I belonged.