I chatted with someone today, an old friend, I hadn't talked to in a very long time. In many ways it was like no time had passed and in other ways it felt like so much life had been lived in between our silences. I often find re-acquaiting myself with old friends to be a strange kind of exercise in reflection. I reflect about my life since whenever and think about who I was when they knew me. I feel like a different person than the girl who stood on bars, drank vodka straight up and chilled and shouted poetry until I could no longer speak. And yet, in some ways that girl still lives on in the way I attempt to challenge the conventions of whatever I am studying or researching. I think I am still passionate about life but I'm also less scared of myself, which is what the whole getting drunk thing was for me. I tried to live in another time, to recreate a past where I was in control of what happened to me but I ended up having less control than before and living too quickly to notice.

That time shaped me as a writer. Moving on from that time shaped me as a woman and academic. I have very mixed feelings about that time in my life, as you can see. And about the people I loved then. Embracing the girl I was is part of becoming who I am but I struggle with the not so nice things I said and did to people in the past. Working on my narrative has helped sort some of this out but not all of it. Not this part, with this particular person. I haven't written that yet. Not even close.