craving and letting go

Talking to my Dad tonight was interesting. I mentioned some of the drama that has been going in the program. I told him that it was very difficult to keep focused when bullshit surrounds you. I also said that sometimes I wish I could be ruthless, screw integrity. It's frustrating when things begin to swirl around me to stay centered. He reminded me that all I have to do is live with myself. His saying that grounded me. As irritating as it is, nothing I can do will control the situation and so I have to let it go. It's not easy for me once I get angry to let it go, especially when I feel like I've been brought into something that really doesn't have anything to do with me. My chi is out of whack, for sure. I'm sure it doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping well since Michelle left. My therapist wanted me to take something but I decided I didn't want medication, afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep without it. And knowing when M gets back, I'll be fine. She comes home tomorrow night. I cannot convey my excitement. Missing her has become cliché.

I didn't get everything done that I wanted to. I'm glad I have Tuesday off so I can finish cleaning. There isn't a lot left but I have class early in the a.m. and I need to get to bed. But first, I'm taking out the trash in more ways than one.