longing part 51

I found it difficult to sleep last night. Part of it was because I'd slept late into the day yesterday because I wasn't feeling well and part of it was because I missed M's body next to mine. I miss her physically. The other day during Orientation, someone touched my hand to ask where the scratch (from Midori) came from. My body instantly reacted to being touched in a way I hadn't expected. I was hyperaware of the feeling of someone's hand on mine. M hates public displays of affection that go overboard and so it isn't as though she's always touching me or anything. But her physical presence is noticeably gone. Her touch is noticeably gone. She will be back in exactly one week.

I hope she enjoys her last week and isn't worried about me. It will be good to have her home but I only get two days with her alone before the French Canadian exchange student arrives. I've been saying I'm ready to have my life back but I wish I could suspend the obligations and be with M without responsibilities.

The time apart has shown me many things about myself, knowledge I hope I can bring back to our togetherness. I learned that silence, that time alone in my own head is not always bad. But that I have to be careful how much I give into. I also learned that my anger comes in numerous packages and that I need to slow down my reaction time to situations, give myself more time to think and feel than I normally do.

The longing has cut deep and in ways I had not imagined I would feel.