storms inside

It's storming here. I appreciate the rain. I like having an excuse to stay in today and rest and be lazy.

I almost burned my dinner. Frozen pizza. I set the kitchen timer but forgot to turn it on. Luckily, it wasn't completely burned and I could still eat it. Michelle is on a plane. She should be in Capetown in the morning. I know the travel has exhausted her. I hope she gets some rest and can recover enough to have a good time.

I am afraid she took a credit card that actually expired instead of the more recent one. Perhaps I can wire her money if she needs it. It is already strange not hearing from her. But I have people to look after me here and that feeling is really, really nice.

When I first moved here I couldn't imagine starting over, making new friends. I should have been used to it since I moved around my whole life. Graduate school was different, though. How do you know who to trust? I've been lucky to find such an amazing group of people, some I will call friends long after I leave the program. I don't think I could have come this far without them.

I miss her, though. It feels strange and familiar all at the same time. It's a longing I'm not sure I thought I'd ever feel, longing for that one particular person. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight but both the women I've loved I was drawn to instantly, magnetically. Something in me connected to Candace and Michelle right away in vastly different ways. Candace was dangerous, all the things I never knew I wanted. She exuded confidence. She was loud and brash and needed attention all of the time. I was only too happy to stand in her shadow and give it to her. Her passion was terrifying, like she needed to soak up everything all at once. Being with her was like being on a rollercoaster with only sharp curves and drops, that never stopped.

Michelle was fascinating. No matter what she said, I always wanted to know more about her. She constantly surprised me. She still does, actually. I was absolutely terrified of what I felt for her. She made me feel vulnerable. When she looks at me, it makes me want to tell her everything I think and feel, all the secrets I've ever known.