sometimes you have to shut up

I've tried to post several times about today but have found it difficult because, well, because it exhausted me. The past two days M and I have been cleaning storage facilities owned by the center where she does her assistantship. Today we had to take TV's from the librarians vacating the program and take their tvs and other stuff to storage which is in the hot, hot basement of a dormitory. This work sucks. It's been cool outside (thank god for the rain) but hot in the storage facility. And of course under the conditions, the stress of trying to get everything done wears on a person. Needless to say these 2 days have not been shining moments of our relationship though we fought much later in the day, after the work was done. The stress of M's upcoming travel is also getting to us, I think.

There are moments in this relationship where I am surprised, shocked even at my reaction to things. I'm surprised most by how difficult it is for me to let things go, to not try and control every situation. I tell myself I'm helping but I realize now that I have been unknowingly adding pressure to M to get everything ready. This is my way of also trying to control things I cannot possibly control. I see now that I need to shut up. I need to listen to how I can help M prepare. I need to savor our last few days together before she leaves for a month. All of these realizations are so obvious they hurt.