women need a different kind of energy

The title of this post comes courtesy of the commercials for the new Tab Energy drink from Coca Cola. What I do not understand is what this different kind of energy is and how this is going to help Coke sell this new product which from what I hear tastes like soapy water. I find this marketing offensive but not half as offensive as their website.

The slogan on the website reads, "A deliciously pink, low-cal energy drink--because it's hard work being fabulous." I have no idea how something is deliciously pink. It sounds a bit perverse and pornographic if you ask me. Besides, what the hell does pink taste like?

The images of the women changes periodically showing the time of your visit and each image shows different "fabulous" scenarios, dream job (showing a woman doing a bad Cameron Diaz impression, while on the phone), go with it (which shows a woman petting a dog and perhaps chatting with a friend), office yoga (which shows a blonde girl at the door of some office building, is she coming in or going out?), drink to pink (a woman waiting for the subway), spread the energy (a woman sitting in what looks either like a really nice doctor's office or an extremely sparse apartment, either way, she does not look energized), see pink (a woman in an art gallery maybe), use product to fuel energy ( a woman in a white shirt sitting on a white sofa, apparently stains are not fabulous which leaves me out of the equation altogether.)

I don't know if the background music is supposed to make me feel like I am so fabulous I can have the soundtrack that makes me feel like I'm in an overpriced cafe or an elevator in an expensive hotel even if I am in my pajamas at noon or what but it's an odd mix of "beats".

From the Tab Energy Q&A Page:

Q: Why are you launching Tab Energy?

A: Through our ongoing dialog with consumers, we believe there is an opportunity to introduce a completely new energy drink created especially for women.

Q: Who is Tab Energy created for?

A: While we believe Tab Energy will appeal to a variety of different people, it was created especially with women in mind.

Who are these consumers and why do they think women need a specialty energy drink to be "fabulous". I'm beginning to get offended by the use of this word just from perusing this site.

The Daily Thoughts section gives me an inspiration for being fabulous today. Mine is Reach for the Stars. And if I find myself particularly inspired I can get Daily Thoughts on my desktop and feel fabulous all day. Goody.

Then there's a page dedicated to Fabulous is:

Style. Fashion. Grace. Ability. Success. These are all words to which we women can relate, and words we would probably use in defining the essence of being fabulous.

To make this clearer, they give us the profile of 3 women who “inspired� them. And give you the opportunity to tell them what makes you fabulous. Somehow I don't think being a PhD student, lesbian, academic, writer would compare to Gwen, the architect whose job fits her to "a T." She says she loves "creating a vision in her head and then bringing it to life." Her fabulousness doesn't end there, oh no. "My projects are an extension of my spirit and style," she says. How can I compete with that?

If you can't get enough of Tab Energy's Fabulousity you can download a desktop wallpaper such as this:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

As if all of this wasn't bad enough. Yes, there is more. We come to "Stylish Greetings." The copy on the stylish greetings intro page reads:
Email can be SO unattractive. Your messages should reflect your style, your look, your sense of class.

Ummm.. yeah.

The first thing you can do here is generate an email greeting card to a friend so that you can say what you have to say with ultimate class and style. You can write your own message or choose one of their pre-made starters. Below are the 6 most important things Coke thinks women have to say to their friends:
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Too bad they didn't include, "Math is Hard!" or "I hooked up with your ex" though I'm sure it was tough to cut those out of the top 6. However, the email greetings are not at the top of the embarrassment scale, not even close, when compared to the second “Stylish Greeting� option: style cards. Coke says “This option is for you if you’ve ever handed out a business card in a social situation and thought there must be something better.�

This is better:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

You can customize your icon (where the cutesy pink heart is at the bottom of the card). You can choose: a shopping bag, a set of high heels, a giant diamond engagement ring, and a red wagon. These are the icons of fabulous womanhood? What's the red wagon for? To be carried around in?

There's just so much wrong with this marketing that it's almost too much to think about. So I am forcing you to share this burden with me. Enjoy.