wanting

"The empty, the one, the unmoved, the full, satiation, wanting nothing—that would be my evil: in short, dreamless sleep." ~Friedrich Nietzsche

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need." ~the Rolling Stones

Wanting is difficult. I always feel uncomfortable when I admit to myself that I really want something, like a particular job or position, that I want to get published, that I want a PhD, that I want to be an administrator one day. It's like once it's spoken, the stakes are higher than before. My mother says, "What do you want for Christmas?" and I have no idea how to answer her. When I want material goods I usually buy them. Should I tell her I want something that I'd feel odd buying myself? Should I ask for books for my dissertation? Should I just tell her I want gift cards?

But more difficult than wanting is not getting what you want. The feeling of disappointment, in yourself, in the political system, in those responsible for decision making, stings deeply. Worse is knowing that the person who achieved the position you wanted is less qualified than you. That may sound egotistical but there are things that you just know you could do better, differently, and be amazingly successful that someone else will not do what you could have done. That hurts too. Knowing that the decision was made before you applied, sucks. Knowing that none of has to do with you but is really political, sucks even more.

I'm scared I will feel like this on the job market. And I don't know how I'll deal with the disappointment of not getting jobs I want. Get used to it? I guess?

I thought about applying for a similar but different position next semester but now I don't know if I could go through this again. But part of me feels like things happen for a reason, so maybe the reason is that I'm supposed to do the other thing. I've been turned down twice for positions in the program, can I take a third rejection? Should I even bother?

I feel like I've been slapped in the face and it hurts.